


Back Row Hecklers

by Steelneko



Category: Muppets
Genre: Gen, Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2006, recipient:merriman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-24
Updated: 2006-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-10 14:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steelneko/pseuds/Steelneko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Statler and Waldorf, and their relationship to the Muppet Show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back Row Hecklers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merriman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merriman/gifts).



> This was written as a stocking stuffer for merriman, while her main story was still being written by someone else. Happy Yuletide! Lots of love to the [Muppet Wiki](http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page) for letting me double check some half remembered episode references. (Oh, and in keeping with the rest of the naming pattern for these guys, the Affinia is a hotel chain in New York.) Most of the puns in this, however, are all my fault. They're terrible. I have no excuse.

1.

The real reason behind it was that they were really bored.

Statler and Waldorf had both been friends since the long ago days of their childhoods, and had grown up together, gotten married together, raised families together, and watched their children all leave them together. When Statler's lovely wife Affinia had finally died, the two had taken to going on walks of the city to try and take their minds off of the great emptiness in their everyday lives.

And that was how they had accidentally wandered into the Muppet Theater one afternoon.

They hadn't meant to become permanent fixtures there, of course. It was just that the tickets for the new matinee show had been on sale, and they'd decided that there were worse ways to spend an afternoon than watching a variety show in some two-bit theater.

And it had taken them completely by surprise when the house lights had finally gone down, and a small flaily _frog_ of all things had popped out of the curtains to yell, "It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Juliet Prowse!!"

Maybe the long years had made them mean. Maybe they thought the production values on a half hour variety show run by a frog, a bear, and a pig were low. Maybe they just really, really liked making fun of things.

They'd come back the next week to heckle the show again, and had discovered that they really enjoyed poking fun at those idiotic actors. It became a habit that they kept up on a weekly basis for years and years.

2.

Astoria worried a little bit about her husband. "You're always going off to the theater to yell things at that bear comedian," she often asked Waldorf. "Why do you keep going to see it if you know it's going to be awful?"

"Because if we weren't there to liven things up, the rest of the audience would find the show un-bear-able!" he'd reply, and then they'd both chortle with laughter at a familiar pun.

He'd even brought her to the show once when Dizzy Gillespie, her favorite musician, had been performing. She'd enjoyed the experience, and had even gotten in quite a few heckles herself, but she hadn't specifically asked Waldorf to go back to see the show with him again. That was just as well, he decided. Heckling had become a kind of bonding thing that had helped keep his friendship with Statler alive all these years.

3.

There was a blue ... thing on stage. He called himself Gonzo the Great, but since Statler had no idea what the long-nosed blue thing was supposed to be, Statler always just called him The Weirdo. The Weirdo was performing again tonight, wearing a ridiculous white jumpsuit, and accompanied by a supportive group of chicken hens.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" The Weirdo yelled to the audience. "I shall now eat a rubber tire to the music of 'The Flight of the Bumblebee'! Music, maestro!" The chickens and the Electric Mayhem band struck up a rousing rendition of the frantic classical song right on cue, and black pieces of rubber started flying everywhere, spraying a lot of people in the front row.

"This can't end well," said Waldorf to his companion.

"No, but if we're lucky it might well end him!" Statler replied, as they broke into a long chuckle. "He's fighting the tire, and it looks like the tire is winning!"

"Good!" shot back Waldorf right on cue. "Looks like there's finally a performer here with some 'wheel' talent!"

And they laughed to each other again as The Weirdo continued on his bizarre routine and the frog manager glared at them from backstage.

After all these years of coming to the Muppet show, their jokes were terrible and their puns were even worse, but they wouldn't miss this fun for the world.

4.

The curtains had come down on The Muppet Show for one last time. Once you've been cancelled for good, there's not much else you can do. After the final show had ended and the last special guest star had left the building, Statler and Waldorf took the hallway from behind their balcony seats to access the stage. They emerged behind the red velvet curtains and large show logo to find Kermit alone on stage, sweeping up penguin feathers left over from the last show's grand finale.

The frog looked up from his sweeping when he noticed them there. "Oh, it's you guys," Kermit said, a little bit of sadness seeping through his voice. "Have you come to heckle us one more time? Fozzie's backstage, cleaning out his dressing room."

"No, actually, we've come to see you," said Statler. "We wanted to thank you."

Kermit looked surprised at the news. "Thank me?"

"Yeah," continued Waldorf. "As terrible as your show's been, and as lousy as the guests were, and as awful as the music was ... we actually enjoyed coming here every week. We don't get out much at our age, so your little band of weirdoes has really been a gift to us."

Kermit smiled back as best as his froggy face could. "Oh. Thank you."

"And if you ever do get another new show," added Statler, "let us know, and we'll come heckle you there too!"

"I will," Said Kermit.

The duo stood there a moment longer, before taking the hallway back out of the theater and heading back outside. The pair stood on the street and stared out at the cars passing by for a minute.

"What do we do now?" Statler asked.

Waldorf smiled. "The world could always use some more movie critics!"


End file.
